A Story...

"Be not content with future happiness.

It has no meaning, and is not your just reward.

For you have cause for freedom NOW."

I’ve struggled to sit and write this post throughout the last week simply because I cannot sit still long enough. I’m more inclined to dance, sing, and talk with everyone I know- to do just about, well, anything! Yes, this very sun-deprived Oregonian is jumping for joy at the sight of a big yellow blob in the sky, but that’s not the reason. To explain, let me tell you a story.

The story really began many years ago, and for any of you reading this that know me or who have even read through parts of my blog, you know that. I’ve been sick with one illness after another, struggling to attain health and even find an accurate diagnosis for some problems. At the same time, God was building a story not at all parallel to my life, but interwoven with it. He was teaching me, guiding me, and growing a faith in my heart that would come to be tested over and over. In November of 2010, I was diagnosed with Late Stage Lyme disease. There was finally hope; if we could define the problem, we could solve the problem (or at least I sure hoped and prayed!). I was aware that treating Lyme disease was anything but easy. And so I braced myself for a bumpy ride. Research, finding the “right doctor”, considering finances, work situations, enlisting the support of my family and friends in prayer as well as other ways. Medications, supplements, and doctor appointments all came in overwhelming quantities. Up to this point, I had defined myself by the things I did, but with growing physical and mental limitations I had to begin the work of seeing myself through God’s eyes- changing my definition of value and purpose- and defining myself by who I was created to be. In the last six months, I’ve learned more than I can even begin to write here. My life changed and my heart was wrecked for God, the true and living King, Savior and Redeemer.

Last Sunday, the fifth of June 2011, I began my day with enormous amounts of pain. This was only one in a long stretch of similar days. I battled medication side effects, headaches, nausea, wide spread pain, and extreme fatigue. On this particular day, I found myself unable to lift my sword and shield to fight again. Through tear filled sobs, I cried out to God- my prayers desperate, but with full assurance that somehow He would make a way because in my humanity, I could not. The day progressed, and I felt well enough that I decided I would make my way to evening church. After a time of worship and a message on the Holy Spirit, the prayer room was “opened” as it was every week, this time with an encouragement to let another pray with you if you were in need of healing. I hesitated, knowing that so many people were already praying for me. Yet, the Holy Spirit continued to whisper to me. “Go”. I knew I would regret leaving the building without asking even just once more for healing. And so I went. An amazing woman of God was standing by the prayer room chatting with someone, but was happy to stop for some time in prayer. As I explained the situation and we talked, we had a conversation that was transparent and honest in every way. I was humbled to admit that I, like most anyone else, am afraid of my own potential, of greatness that requires a responsibility to act. I had indeed wanted healing, but for selfish reasons. It was clear to me now why I not only wanted healing, but also needed it. And so, as it is commanded in scripture, elders from the church were called to pray over me. An act of obedience, an act of faith.

James 5: 14-16 “Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed…”

Two elders of our church joined my friend and I, and as we talked and then prayed, I could feel how we were removed- our humanness getting out of the way. There was peace. Both my friend and one of the elders were given the same vision during that time of prayer, a vision that spoke to the Lyme disease being literally removed from my body. It’s Lyme disease though; inconsistency practically defines its course. So unlike watching a blind man gain his vision, we had no physical confirmation as to whether I had been healed in that moment. Yet I left with a joy that was indescribable, and that was a gift and miracle enough. The next morning, I awoke like a child on Christmas day, anxious to find wonders left in the night. I rolled over only to feel the all too familiar aches and pains. Refusing to be disheartened, I prepared for my day and spent time thanking the Lord for the work that had been done. You must understand, the work HAS already been done. Healing on this side of eternity is only temporary. So whether I was physically healed today, tomorrow or in Heaven, I can thank God for that gift. It was purchased and given to me on a cross over two thousand years ago. But after months of praying the same prayer with a response that could only be interpreted as “not now”, the answer was “yes”.

Luke 17:19 “Then he said to him, ‘Rise and go; your faith has made you well’.”

Within an hour or so of waking to pain, my symptoms subsided. Tuesday came and went in much the same way. Wednesday I woke unusually early, and without pain, enjoyed a full day of activity, no exhaustion! Thursday, Friday, Saturday…I’ve continued to be well! My only pain comes from my inability to stop smiling! Perhaps God enabled the medications to work in supernaturally effective ways, or perhaps His Sovereign hand simply reached down and removed this disease from my body. The method really doesn’t matter, because the miracle has been done! One week without symptoms is a miracle, but I choose to believe it will last. Because, you see, this is a story not just of healing, but of truth. It’s a story of love and faithfulness, hope and joy. It’s just one small piece of the story God is still writing in my life and in the lives of millions of people. My friends, God is still in the business of doing miracles!

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

Praise God, for He is good!!
With Love—
Samantha

How Time Flies

Well, it has certainly been far too long since I last wrote and I will post again VERY soon. In the meantime, I thought I would go ahead and post an update from a couple weeks ago that's been sitting in my 'drafts' folder. It will at least help fill in some gaps ;)

It's amazing how time can slip away so quickly! It's now the seventh week on antibiotic treatments. A few bumps in the road, but the Lord continues to provide a way through it. A week of intense chest pain and difficulty breathing landed me in several doctor's offices while we ran an EKG and did exams to ensure that my heart and lungs were in good health. Fortunately, it turned out to be a problem of inflammation of the sternum causing my spine and ribs to be out of alignment. I've now gotten to add physical therapy to my schedule as we try to resolve this issue. While it's still difficult to take deep breaths, the chest pain is easing. At my last doctors appointment, we decided to forgo one of the antibiotics due to side effects that could have affected my hearing permanently; we'll likely be adding more back into the mix towards the end of April. Maybe not the right combination yet, but the "herxing" (common term for Lyme reactions to treatment) has to mean the medications are doing something!

Since starting antibiotics, my energy level has plumated. It's getting more difficult to do everyday tasks; a very good time to learn a lesson in priorities. When you have limited resources, you have to choose to do the things that are most important. And then somedays, you just have to choose what needs to be done-- grocery shopping anyone?!

As the pain levels and exhaustion continue to increase, I feel certain that my decision to take a break from my job and to move home with my parents is the right thing to do. I know it will prove to be a new kind of challenge, but sometimes life doesn't work out how you thought it would. And sometimes, it just works out better than we thought...so I will put trust in that hope and the knowledge that God is always faithful to work things out.

With Love--
Samantha

Week Two: Update

The second full week of being on antibiotic treatment has now come and gone. (And yes, I’m a bit behind on posting this.)

The worst part of the week has been the continuing nausea from the medicines…all day, every day. Seems they’re harder on my stomach than I expected; after trying all the tricks in the book to ward that symptom off, the best one by far is still…prayer. Prayers for endurance, relief and distraction. Some might say that that’s a tactic comparable to the theory of ‘mind over matter’ or perhaps even someone’s take on ‘the power of positive thinking’. I believe in these theories too. But they aren’t comparable to prayer- to talking with, sharing your heartbreak with, the one and only living God. What an amazing, and humbling, gift- that God himself would care enough about little me to listen and respond.

I had one particularly difficult day; first time I’ve had to call in ‘sick’ to work on behalf of the Lyme disease. It made me wonder how I had muscled through so many shifts before, but it also gave me a peace to know that I’m making the right decision in reducing my work responsibilities right now. It seems like a bit of a confirmation that I’m finally approaching my maximum capacity to just ‘push through’. Now is the time for rest.

Even restful activities are exhausting some days. But alas, I’m growing my list of low key activities and projects that I want to take on in the months ahead. Who knows what a body at rest might be able to achieve?!

Thank you for your continued prayers!
With Love—
Samantha

It's The Small Things...

Some high points from the week...

~Pedicures with my mama-- getting our toes ready for spring(even though it's really too cold to wear sandals still)!

~A surprise package in the mail! A Place of Healing by Joni Eareckson Tada and a personal letter of encouragement from Joni-- an amazing woman that I will write more about in a post to come shortly.

~Mom brought flowers over so there's some spring color in my apartment.

~Gluten-free blueberry scone& Cinnamon vanilla latte (Stumptown of course!). My book and I like to spend time with these two wonderful creations :)

~St.Patty's Day "green" dinner with friends also belongs in this list, but I don't have a picture. Nonetheless, my spirit is sparked spending time with friends.

In these little moments, I know God is smiling on me and I know that even in this time, I am blessed.

Praying you find the joy in the small things this week too!

With Love--

Samantha

Week One~ Update

Week one of antibiotics-- it’s no piece of cake…but then again, I’m not too fond of cake, so maybe it is like that. It certainly isn’t like a good scone and Stumptown latte ;) Not fun, not pleasant. It’s stressful and exhausting. Hard to believe this is only the very beginning. I wonder how people make it through this, but I know they do. It took my mom and I a couple hours to just try to organize all the medications into spreadsheets, a time schedule, and then into boxes and boxes of pill sorters. With food, without food. Once a day, three times a day, away from vitamins, refrigerated. Oy vey! The liquid drops, powders, and nearly 50 pills a day I take are increasingly time consuming. But if it were only the pains of taking medicine, I don’t think I would wonder so much how people get through this. It’s being trapped in a body that’s being massacred by strangely intelligent little parasites. And it’s a heart that’s breaking over the moments, the opportunities to live, that are seemingly slipping away.

In this first week, the exhaustion and pain have increased as I suppose we expected. Burning and stabbing pains in my hips, knees, and shoulders are new pains though. I can’t stop my right arm and hand from shaking. The hot and cold sweats are new too—hot flashes at 24? Really?! Nausea all day. And then there’s the loss of my brain and skin. Every other minute it seems I forget what I was thinking about. No more multitasking, or anything that requires too much brain power for that matter. As for the loss of my skin…it’s not literal obviously, but it feels as if it is. Everything I touch hurts as if I had no skin or perhaps like it’s all just bruised. I struggle to fall asleep at night because it hurts when my knees touch, or when the seam of my tank top rubs against my skin. I can’t lean back in a chair and know that even a hug from a friend will hurt. In the end, the comfort of a hug always outweighs its pain though.

I guess maybe there was a hopeful, although slightly delusional, part of me that thought I could begin all this and keep living my life as I did last week—that it would take awhile for the effects to kick in. Hopefully this just means it’s working faster, right?! But I’ve successfully made it through the first week(!) and look ahead to step into the next. Thank you all for your continued prayers& love& support.

With Love—
Samantha

A Little Birdie Told Me...

"Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?" ~Rose Kennedy

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul--and sings the tunes without words-- and never stops at all." ~Emily Dickinson

The End of the Beginning

Well, the waiting is finally coming to an end. I met with my doctor on Tuesday and we made plans to begin more intensive treatment to kick these little buggers out of my system. I know that the hard work is only beginning and the end is not actually in sight yet, but it's a step closer in that direction.

In the next week I will begin 8 new medications, both pharmaceuticals and natural meds, that will begin killing the Lyme spirochetes/bacteria. Some of the meds will also help counteract side effects like additional pain and nausea. And still others are there to help preserve any of the good bacteria in my system. Honestly, I'm terrified of what will happen. When treating Lyme, it's a given that things must get worse before they get better. But seriously, how scary is it to think of it causing amnesia, complete numbness in limbs, spasms, fevers, pain worse than what I already experience, hearing and sight impairment....the list goes on. And these aren't the kind of side effects in fine print or spoken at lightning speed on prescription drug commercials; these are likely scenarios! Prayers to be able to endure these things in order to get to healing would be much appreciated!

It's hit me like a ton of bricks that this may mean the ending of working too. The next week or two will tell what's to come in that realm, but my mind is spinning as I try to think through it. I know I must trust the Lord to provide and worry less about tomorrow when today is enough of a handful in itself. Taking every thought captive--a seemingly crazy time to have to learn that discipline, but perhaps it's one of the many things the Lord has to show me in all of this.
My energy level is lower than ever, so the goal for today is to rest as much as possible in the next few hours, and then muddle through a shift at the restaurant.

Pretty sure I just got a new full time job though--taking medications, going to doctor’s appointments, and resting!

New Video

I've added a new video to the side bar, below the web links, that has some great information in it. For a subject that's quite complicated, I think this short seven minute video does pretty good justice to explaining Lyme disease, how it works, and how treatment works. And, in my opinion, the visuals are helpful. :)

When's Recess?!

Another song! Music seems to help me describe so much of what I feel and experience in life. This song by Lenka stood out to me so much as I listened to it last week. I think we all have reasons to want a break from who we are sometimes...well, probably more accurately a break from our circumstances. If only the grade school notion of 'recess' applied to our grown up world! By the grace of God, I've been able to remain hopeful in the last several months. But to be perfectly honest, the last few weeks have me pleading for a break, a recess, an escape. When will this pain let up?! When will I be able to remember what I was doing when I began a task?! How much longer until I have energy to actually DO things?!

Towards the beginning of February, I completed a series of homeopathic treatments that we hoped would at least help begin the process of treating the Lyme. Some of these had caused 'die off' symptoms, meaning that I felt worse as the bacterias were killed and released toxins. When I knew feeling worse was the for the purpose of feeling better, I suppose it was a little easier. I've now been in some sort of twisted waiting room situation though until we decide how to move forward with antibiotic treatments. And waiting seems to be the most difficult. Being put on hold. Being told no to all the things I want to be and want to do right now.

In light of this, I was recently reminded of the plain fact that I have very little control (much to my dismay). I can only plan for what is just ahead of me and take life a day, perhaps an hour, at a time. Some days my only goal is to manage to get to the market for groceries or put clean sheets on the bed. Other days I hope for more, to get through a shift at work without being flattened the next day. Regardless, my goals are small and I know I must begin to find meaning in even these small things; to find a way to live into who I am because we don't get a 'break' from life. Pain, heartache, and disease in this world make very little sense. Since I cannot run away from all this, tonight, I enjoy the small things- a bubble bath, yummy candles, good music-- and I hope and pray for what tomorrow will bring.

With Love--
Samantha

Hope In the Night

“In The Night” by Andrew Peterson


I am weary with the pain of Jacob's wrestling

In the darkness with the Fear, in the darkness with the Fear

But he met the morning wounded with a blessing

So in the night my hope lives on.



When Elisha woke surrounded by the forces

Of the enemies of God, the enemies of God

He saw the hills aflame with angels on their horses

So in the night my hope lives on.



I see the slave that toils beneath the yoke unyielding

And I can hear the captive groan, hear the captive groan

For some hand to stay the whip his foe is wielding

Still in the night my hope lives on.



I see the armies of the enemy approaching

And the people driven, trembling, to the shore

But a doorway through the waters now is opening

So in the night my hope lives on.



Like the son who thought he'd gone beyond forgiveness,

Too ashamed to lift his head--but if he could lift his head

He would see his father running from a distance

In the night my hope lives on.



I can see the crowd of men retreating

As he stands between the woman and their stones

And if mercy in his holy heart is beating

Then in the night my hope lives on.



I remember how they scorned the son of Mary

He was gentle as a lamb, gentle as a lamb

He was beaten, he was crucified, and buried

And in the night, my hope was gone.



But the rulers of this earth could not control Him

No, they did not take his life--he laid it down

All the chains of death could never hope to hold him

So in the night my hope lives on.



The Bible is full of stories. They are not stories simply for our entertainment or solely to document historical events. Look closer. They are tales of courage, fear, triumph, and brokenness. No matter how long ago, culture aside, we find in the Bible a testament to the human spirit and God’s unfailing promises to continually care for His children. Under the harshest circumstances and against persecution, God’s power and grace prevail. Look to history and claim for today what God has promised yesterday; His words are still good. There is no expiration on the gifts God has offered us. This, when I feel broken and at the end of myself, unsure of how exactly I will endure another day, this gives me hope. I often look back and just recount all the ways in which God has provided for me and been faithful to me. While there are times when the answer to my prayers was not what I expected, I cannot find a single time when God just ‘didn’t show up’. He has ALWAYS been there; that’s a pretty trustworthy track record if you ask me! “So in the night, my hope lives on.” I pray that you too might find hope in the midst of your own dark night.



With Love--
Samantha

What's in a blog?/ An Introduction

Well, here it is: my first real blog. I don’t consider myself much of a profound writer. I’m not academic in my writings when I don’t have to be (aka when it’s not a paper for school). And I don’t consider myself particularly witty. But nonetheless, I’m here- for reasons that, for me, far surpass writing for writing’s sake. A week before Thanksgiving this past year, I was diagnosed with Late Stage Lyme Disease, also referred to by some as Chronic Lyme Disease. It took years to get to that name. After not feeling fully well for quite some time, I was told I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, then Adrenal Fatigue, then Fibromyalgia and the prize winning diagnosis of (drum roll please)…“it’s all just in your head”. It’s agonizing to not have an explanation for your pain, fatigue, and myriad of cognitive and neurological symptoms. Having an explanation with a difficult solution is pretty hard too though. I’m beginning to accept the limitations I have as I’ve begun treatment and the road to health. But I cannot allow my life to be defined by these limitations either. Enter BLOG.

It is my desire that this blog will be a way to allow you, my family and friends, to share in my life. A place for me to write about my day to day experiences, to share how the Lord is shaping my life and heart, to post links, songs, and videos. You’ll likely find me posting new recipes, pictures from average life adventures, and hopefully frequent posts of new creations in the craft/home decor department J. I cannot do all the things I planned on at this moment, but I want to continue to LIVE. my. life! Christ put a calling on my life the day He thought my being into creation, and circumstance will not get in the way of that. Christ preached a subversive message of radical love and hope—I pray my life would embody this message. A subversive, purposeful life despite Lyme disease.

Lyme disease is under diagnosed and often misunderstood. I hope this blog can also provide some information along the way to educate and bring awareness as well as support others who are not suffering from, but living with and fighting, Lyme disease. Please feel free to comment with questions or send me emails and I will do my best to answer fully, truthfully, and with additional information sources.

Thank you for humoring my musings and attempt at ‘blogging’. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Welcome to my…SubLyme Life.

With Love--

Samantha