When's Recess?!

Another song! Music seems to help me describe so much of what I feel and experience in life. This song by Lenka stood out to me so much as I listened to it last week. I think we all have reasons to want a break from who we are sometimes...well, probably more accurately a break from our circumstances. If only the grade school notion of 'recess' applied to our grown up world! By the grace of God, I've been able to remain hopeful in the last several months. But to be perfectly honest, the last few weeks have me pleading for a break, a recess, an escape. When will this pain let up?! When will I be able to remember what I was doing when I began a task?! How much longer until I have energy to actually DO things?!

Towards the beginning of February, I completed a series of homeopathic treatments that we hoped would at least help begin the process of treating the Lyme. Some of these had caused 'die off' symptoms, meaning that I felt worse as the bacterias were killed and released toxins. When I knew feeling worse was the for the purpose of feeling better, I suppose it was a little easier. I've now been in some sort of twisted waiting room situation though until we decide how to move forward with antibiotic treatments. And waiting seems to be the most difficult. Being put on hold. Being told no to all the things I want to be and want to do right now.

In light of this, I was recently reminded of the plain fact that I have very little control (much to my dismay). I can only plan for what is just ahead of me and take life a day, perhaps an hour, at a time. Some days my only goal is to manage to get to the market for groceries or put clean sheets on the bed. Other days I hope for more, to get through a shift at work without being flattened the next day. Regardless, my goals are small and I know I must begin to find meaning in even these small things; to find a way to live into who I am because we don't get a 'break' from life. Pain, heartache, and disease in this world make very little sense. Since I cannot run away from all this, tonight, I enjoy the small things- a bubble bath, yummy candles, good music-- and I hope and pray for what tomorrow will bring.

With Love--
Samantha